Friday, February 1, 2008

Martha Will You Adopt Me?

I have completely neglected to tell you about the Single Greatest Live Studio Audience Experience of My Life, or SGLSAEML. On Wednesday morning, January 23rd, I arrived at the Chelsea studios of Martha where my friend Ursula was waiting in line for us. We stood in the freezing cold, risking our lives, our poor circulation systems pumping their hearts out, for about 30 min to go into the waiting area. After ticket check and security screening we were given two handouts and told to fill them out and sit down in the waiting room. One of the sheets was some sort of disclaimer form and the other a question and answer form where we were to write down any questions we had for Dr. Weil. Oh, if only I had the power to google this dude's name while we were sitting there to figure out who in the heck he was, I would have felt much more prepared to design an inquiry for him. No such luck.

So based on what I know of Dr. Weil, A.) that he is some sort of physcian, and B.) there is no B, I decide to write a pregnancy question. This I must have learned from my mother somehow, though I'm not sure when, but I felt strongly deep down in my 15 minutes of fame heart that a pregnancy question would land me smack dab on camera. I scribble down my question and move on to the muffins Ursula had just brought me. Yeah, Martha has muffins and water bottles for us while we're waiting. I mean do you hate this lady or what?

Then the nice Martha Stewart Studio Audience Assistant comes around to everyone to collect our question sheets and honest to God, I am not fabricating this story at all, she reads mine and goes, "Hmm. This is a great question! I'm going to write down what you are wearing..." [Gasp, dribble tiny amount of urine, commence palm sweat.]

Cut to: I'm sitting there freakishly trying to call everyone I know on my cell phone to tell them to stop whatever they are doing and turn to Marthavision. Finally, they start to heard us cattle-style into the studio and as I go by the nice assistant lady she marks my ticket with a star. Oh you glorious little red star, I love you. And tells me to show the audience seater people my star. Audience seater people? I was showing every living thing I came in contact with, waving that little ticket like Charlie on his way to the Chocolate Factory, God bless him. Better believe it. So we get upstairs and are seated, and then moved, and seated again until everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Holy cow, Marthaland. It's so much more than you think it is from the privacy of your own home. It's like Lollipop Land or Gingerbread Town or I don't know, Tequilaville. And the nice assistant is giving me instructions on reading my question and standing up and microphones and I'm freaking out again. The show starts and I forget completely about my ensuing daytime TV debut when Martha starts making some effing avocado and egg whites salad and all I can think about is shoving those neat little lettuce cups in my face four at a time. [inhale] Okay, then two segments go by and the third and all important question and answer segment comes up next. I've already reapplied my lip gloss 14 times, fixed my hair a thousand, and rearranged my question to now be a full-on autobiography.

Question #1 goes something about water purifying yaya-shut up. Question #2 follows, blah calcium supplements, blah whatever. Question #3 next, I can't sleep wah-wah, so sad, wah-wah wah. Dr. Andrew Weil, well-known expert on organics and healthy living, begins his answer and goes on. And on. And then on. And on some more. I'm ripping out my hair, spitting fire, waving my arms, anything to get the man to shut up so we can get to the most important Question #4, and what happens? A COMMERCIAL BREAK IS WHAT HAPPENS. I'm sorry what? Did you say your childhood dreams and aspirations are ruined? Really? WELL, WE'D RATHER HEAR ABOUT SERTA SLEEPERS AND DIRT DEVIL COMBO VACS RIGHT NOW.

[Inhale, tear.] It's okay. Really. I'm completely over it. I've come to terms with the fact that my Daytime Television Debut was coldy wrenched from my warm, caring fingers. That the world will never know the answer to my pregnancy question that was CLEARLY extremely important nationally and internationally syndicated is nothing short of catastrophic. But serenity now. Oh dear*.

*My feelings were somewhat assuaged by the take home gifts we received, namely an Ultreo ultrasonic toothbrush, Meridian Health Vitality Glowcaps, Isaac Daniels GPS Sneakers, and an HP Pavillion dv6700t notebook**.

** Kind of seems silly to be upset about the question thing now, huh?

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