Friday, March 26, 2010

Stace - This One's For You

Just a quick question...

Anyone else appreciate the irony in our new Super's name?


When I mentioned it to Grant he had never realized it. Why was this the first thing I thought of when they told me his name? Now it's going to be entirely impossible to resist calling him Super Mario. Just one more reason to anticipate this move.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

And No, I Will Not Reveal Their Identity, Find Your Own Gay Furniture Hookup

One of the things I dislike most in the world is the responsibility of knowing that Craigslist exists. Stay with me on this one. Any time in the past 6 years that I've needed to make a big purchase, locate an apartment, buy a car, sell a car, or complete any other grueling task, I've had this little devil on my shoulder whispering, "Check Craigslist". "Do you think there's one for sale on Craigslist?" "You would never pay that much on Craiglist". "Craigslist, craigslist, craigslist!" Things have gotten out of control. I'm crippled by the existence of Craig and his damn list. Which wouldn't be so terrible, if not for the fact that 96.8% of the material on the list weren't complete garbage that you have to spend hours sifting through to find one worthwhile deal. I recently compared it to spending 3 days going door to door through 27 discount furniture stores piece by piece to find one $15 lamp that you really don't even like, but for the fact that it's under $20 and you can stop looking at damn lamps if you just buy it on the spot. {Deep Breath.}


Finally, after years of figurative perpetual finger slamming in drawer Craigslist surfing, I have redeemed myself with the mecca of all deal finding, a gay couple cleaning out their warehouse of furniture from Pottery Barn, West Elm, and Crate & Barrel. Quick, pick yourself up off the floor where you just passed out from sheer amazement, it's true! And whilst we dragged our son all over Manhattan yesterday running errands, I successfully transacted 15 times with said gay couple to secure the following: a dining table from Pottery Barn, 6 chairs, and a 6 foot stand up mirror without ever having to see it or move a muscle, because do you know what else? THEY DELIVERED IT TO MY HOUSE. Now I'm just bragging.

My point is, don't give up on Craigslist just yet. There may be a gem out there for you too.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Short Story Shorter...

WE FOUND AN APARTMENT. And since I am so good to you, I will spare you the disgusting and heartwrenching details of all the many mishaps we made along the way. Because the greatest outcome of all was achieved, I did not kill a real estate agent. S.c.o.r.e.

I will fill you in photographically soon, but first another "quote of the century" to add to your collection. After 53 days of the most awkward and personally offensive professional relationship 3 people could try to screw up, our real estate agent and ourselves have reached a successful end. Bless the god that I continually insult. Amen.

So I no-shit got a text from her earlier asking, "Do you guys drink wine? If so, what color?". Just reading it made my cold, dead heart of a New York Real Estate Casualty begin to melt. So I texted her back, completely honestly, "Definitely! Both, we're not picky".


Who was I trying to kid? I will respect her less if I see her tomorrow and her cell phone is still in working order after she saw that message from me and resisted hurling it into the nearest concrete surface she could find, as hard as she possibly could.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update.

But at least: we're moving! Y to the hell E.S.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

19 Incredible Months

Here are a few glimpses into the many accomplishments of Griffin "Jack of All Trades". First up, we have Engineer Griffin...
Not to be outdone by Cold Weather Student Griffin...

Here we see Professor Griffin, and lest you think I masterminded this little ditty myself, rest assured he lined up every one of those animals and went and got a book to read to them. Who is this kid? I'm pretty sure the Engineering Department at the Human Genome Project wants him back.And because it's a national holiday, I wanted to get you something special... No, your eyes are not playing tricks on you. He has his baby in his baby sling which he carried around
Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Next Up: Harvard Law

One more story that will make you laugh*.
(*Or if not you better get a cardiologist because your heart is missing.)

Yesterday, Griffin asked Grant for a cookie right after breakfast. But apparently Grant didn't think he needed a cookie so he said "no". So that sweet little genius of mine thought about that for a moment, paused, and said "potty, potty", ran right to his room, plopped down on his little plastic potty, looked up at his dad and said with a clear look of success in his eyes, "Potty. Cookie."

Well played, my darling, well played indeed.

Are you kidding me with this? No. I'm not.

News In The Breeze

Several updates on our apartment search.
1. Never ever ever ever use "Sahar Ziv" as your real estate broker in New York. Ever. Nevernevernevernevernever. He's a total liar and would cheat and steal to line his own pockets. It actually took me a month to even get to the point where I could type his name. That's how much I loathe him. Nuf said. EVEREVEREVER.

2. Because I don't have enough balls mid-air currently, 1 of our top choices of apartments is currently a shell of a place with no walls, no floors, no doors, and no kitchen. Because coordinating renovations was my second major, did you know that? (!)

3. A major factor in our desire to "win" #2 above is because while we were standing outside it haggling with the broker, a quite conspicuous neighbor happened to be walking her dog down the street... Are you ready for it? Catherine.Zeta.Jones. As in Catherine Zeta Jones-Douglas? As in Catherine Zeta Jones-T Mobile Spokeswoman of America? As in Catherine Zeta Jones of the Fabulously Beautiful Club? Yes, she walked her fluffy little dog right past Griffin and I as we oogled and giggled like school girls over her. And now you see why I have latched onto this apartment with every shred of my strength and will only let it go to the next bidder if they pry it from my cold dead grip. (But seriously, I'm serious).

4. The amount of patience I currently have with real estate brokers in general would not even fill up a thimble. And that's being generous. I often like to harass/fire them right off the bat, just to test the waters. (This has yet to prove useful, but still makes me feel good).

5. Saturday night after dining with Caitlin and Dave at Gus & Gabriel's Gastropub on 79th street, we walked right past another conspicuous gentleman in a trendy little bowler hat. If you thought I pulled out the big guns with Catherine, watch this: DETECTIVE ELLIOT STABLER. No, I am not pulling your leg. These are the kinds of neighbors one acquires when one leaves her home of perpetual exile in the Bronx and travels to the promised land of the Upper West Side. I seriously almost screamed when I saw him. Forget Catherine, this man is 40% of my entertainment television ladies and gentleman, something akin to a weekly prayer service.

Shoot, that's all for now. Eek, there's no time!

PS. Funny sidebar from this morning: I bought these black tights a few weeks back and my friend Erin said they'd be too big but I didn't believe her so I got them anyway. And then this morning I was hoofing it to work because every garage in the g-forsaken Washington Heights area was packed so I had to park 14 miles away. Long, coldbutt story short, by the time I made it to my office my tights were around my knees. Which makes me laugh.

Happy Friday!