Friday, February 22, 2008

And They All Lived Happily Ever After

Ohhhhhhh do I so have a story for you!

Picture it: Brooklyn 2008. Husband and wife are lieing in bed after a long grueling day in the rat race comforting each other with exhilarating thoughts of the new life they are bringing into the world. Each shares their own unique thoughts and hopes, both voicing their growing love for each other and appreciation for all the small things they share in this life. At one point the husband professes his love for the rest of eternity and the wife reciprocates with her promise that there's nothing the two of them can't handle that this cruel world could throw them.

{Interlude: Wife remembers she has forgotten to take her pre-natal vitamin and excuses herself for a moment to run to the kitchen where her supply is kept. {Interlude the Interlude: If Martha would just send her the damn pill cap tops that remind you to take your pills like she promised she would on that show a few weeks ago, this Interlude would not be happening, eh hem.} Continue with Interlude 1: Wife makes her way to the kitchen and reaches around the baby gate keeping the dog out of the trash, to turn the light on and what does she find? Oh, is that a little flash of vermin running along her counter, now hiding behind her Barefoot Contessa in France cookbook? Surely, in this idyllic dream sequence, a rabies-infested rodent is not sullying the antiseptic countertops with it's feces covered feet? Oh but you're wrong. It is! And there's it's cute little button nose peeping out from behind Madame Contessa's chubby mug. Delightful.}

I - er, the wife - starts calling calmly to the bedroom for her husband's assistance. And calling. And calling, and now it's not so much a "calm" voice as it is a, "get your holy ass in this kitchen right now and spear the beast behind the cookbook or so help me God, I'll never let you see your friends again" voice. Husband understands immediately the gravity of the situation. He takes charge with his tools of mass destruction, aka Raid spray (?), and sends the wife back to bed. Wife returns to bed and fights valiantly to not imagine what is happening in the other room.

Husband returns to bed, hands wife her vitamin, and returns to the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Both say nothing more the rest of the evening. The lights are turned out. The house is quiet. Husband and wife fall mercilessly into sleep. The end.

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