Friday, February 8, 2008

I. C. U. P.

About a week ago I had my 3 month follow up appointment at the OB office which went splendidly well. The splendidness started right away when I quickly and efficiently peed in the cup.

I think I need to talk about my self consciousness surrounding my inability to pee into cups when it is vital and essential that I do it. I can't do it. Every single time I have been hired into a new job, received a physical at the doctor, or otherwise needed to pee in said cup, I suffer from extreme stage fright and can not "perform". The extent of embarrasment and harassment I have endured for it is painful. I've had Pee-monitors staring me full in the face while on the pot trying in vain to deliver the goods. No dice. Scary, old, hairy Pee-monitors, who are giving me dirty looks the whole time I squat over the porceline torture chamber, not-peeing. I swear they're all thinking to themselves, "Wow, this doesn't look like a druggie! I'm really surprised by this one. It just goes to show you that you can't read a book by it's cover. What's this world coming to?". As I adjust and readjust to try to get my freaking bladder to release a drop of yellow sunshine. Nothing.

I usually have to come back two or three times to attempt the cup peeing again and again. How defeating.

And now...? And now I pee in that cup dammit! I pee all over it! I fill it up and dump it and fill it up again. Just to show them. Those Pee-monitors. I want to go find every single one of them and pee all over their shoes.

I'm okay, really.

No comments: