Minus the Licking of the Behind

My dog believes he is human. He really, truly does, and it's starting to freak us out a bit. Let me highlight some of his homosapien tendencies for you, then you decide for yourself. See? See how I don't force my opinion or mandate you follow my belief patterns? I'm just about awesome like that.

First, he communicates his thoughts and feelings better than 90% of actual humans I know. When he has to go out, he simply sits down staring at us until we finish what we are doing and when we look up, his face says, "Excuse me, Madame. But would it be alright if you took me outside to the sidewalk lavatory now?" Swear. Also, when he is thirsty he picks up his plastic water bowl, carries it across the room to where ever we are in the apartment, lays down with it, and pins us with the following look: "Hi! I'm thirsty now. Can you fill this up with that big water pitcher in the refrigerator?" Honest to God.

Second, he only associates with members of the canine family to disgustingly mock their poor hygiene and communication skills. He is so above that. He'll refuse and ignore every single dog at the dog park, but will chase incessantly the tennis ball that I or G throws. Nonstop. And if another dog dares to get his tennis ball during the "Human" game we are playing? He just sits down patiently and stares the dog down with this: "I'm sorry. But we brought that tennis ball from home to play with - us HUMANS. So can you please drop it right now and never look at or sniff me again?" He gets very frustrated with these "dogs".

Third, he understands at least 1,435 words of the English language, in sentence form. And I have the sneaking suspicion that he's fluent in French as well. Seriously, think of a phrase that you have never heard a dog recognizing and I swear he knows it. Or he knows where to look it up if he doesn't, and he'll get back to you later. Per esempio: "Mommy doesn't feel very good", he immediately stops whatever annoying thing he was doing and jumps up to lay across my legs on the couch with his head laying in my lap. Or, "You're not getting any of this steak, you already ate. Go play," oh yeah, he also processes several sentences at once. Waiting until I've completed my thought and then he'll run off to find a toy to amuse himself with. He also knows, "Coogee is coming over this weekend", because his daytimer is organized weekly.