Okayyyyy...

Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey. Sorry to all of my loyal 1 total fan(s) for not writing in FOREVER. But I've been busy trying to figure out my life of late and it takes up a lot of time. So, the nuts and bolts are these: we are staying in NY for approximately 64,195,200 more seconds, or if it's easier, 1,069,920 minutes, meaning approximately 743 days, aka 2 years and 2 weeks. For this. And then we're packing up the Hillbilly Truck and moving back to the Heart of it All. We are relocating in the meantime to sunny Riverdale of the B to the RONX burrough of NY, which is both exciting and thrilling to me because my commute, yeah, I won't have one basically. Which is the best news since Reese's put PB and chocolate together in a smorgasboard of hot love. And what you should know about Riverdale are these two things to better entertain your awkward guests at the next dinner party: A.) The Corleone Family house was here in the movie and B.) JFK spent his childhood here. And if that's not the greatest marriage of synchrony since mustard and ketchup, I'm not an American.

Sorry about all the food analogies... You know, the baby.

Which brings me smack dab to where I started out trying to lead you: The May 2008 Riverdale Apartment Search/Fiasco/Disaster. Saga.

What you need to know is this, and make sure after you're finished reading this you call a family meeting and sit everyone down to go over it because it's very, very important: 1.) Never Trust A Real Estate Salesperson (eh hem, read: I's too dumb to pass my real estate license exam) named Walker Whiteside. And 2.) Don't Piss Off A Type A Pregnant Lady From Ohio. What follows are excerpts from Walker and my email banter this afternoon.

"Hello Walker,
Can you give me some information on the 3BR apartment on Fieldston in Riverdale? Where on Fieldston is it located? Is there laundry in the apartment? What floor is it on? If a high floor, is there an elevator? Thank you, T"

"This home is located on fieldston road and w.261st. there is laundry in the basement. it is on the 2nd floor of a 2 story 2 family home. Feel free to call me on my cell number below to get more information and to set up a viewing this weekend" (NOTICE: The utter lack and disregard of capitalization and punctuation. - Have I ever told you about my thing with GRAMMAR?)

"Thanks, Walker. Are the owners willing to negotiate on the rent? Say for signing a 24 month lease?"

"The owners qualifications are the following: good income and 680 or higher credit. If you are well above these base criteria then you would have a better shot a reduction for a long lease. Let me know"

"We have great income and my credit score 3 months ago was 780. I am a nurse and my husband is an associate on Wall Street. We are making our final decision about apartments on Saturday and to make this one competitive with the others, we’d expect to pay about $____. Like I said, we’d sign a 24 month lease. If they are willing to meet us on the price, we’d love to look at it on Saturday around 6 pm?"

"That is a pretty major drop in price. Let me know which properties you will be looking at in that price range ( I know all the available properties in the area). I would love for you all to view the others and then finish up with this listing. I think you will love it. If you like it, then we can work on the price, though I have to be honest with you that I don't think the owner will drop the price almost 20%. We may be able to find a middle ground. So send me the list of properties that you will be viewing and we can go from there. "

"I appreciate your help, Walker. But at this point, we don’t want to take advantage of your or our own time over details if our offer is not acceptable. Thanks for trying. Take care, T"

"That is fine. Good luck with your search on Saturday and let me know which property you end up taking in that price range. It may alert me to another owner I don't know about so I can better serve my clients.Take care"

"Hey Walker, why would I want to screw the Little Guy, huh? Why Walker? Why would I do that? I think what you mean is so you can better serve YOURSELF A BROKERS FEE. Screw that, Walkie Talkie. Screw that. And while you're at it, screw an English teacher so at least you won't type like an idiot to your clients anymore."

Okay, okay, I'm just kidding.

I left out the part about the English teacher.