I Hope It's a "Big" Plane

In preparation of going back to Columbus next week, I need to do a few things:

1. Freak out about packing, because there is never a good time to start, we never have enough space, and yet we always take too much stuff.

2. Notify everyone within a 25 mile radius of home that we'll be in town in case they want to get together.

3. Pre-plan every breakfast, lunch, and dinner so as to accomplish #2 without leaving anyone out or spending too much time with any one person, group, or organization thereby offending other persons, groups, and organizations, thereby removing us from wills and/ or Christmas lists in the future - not an option.

4. Pack all necessary items including many unnecessary items for two adults, one baby and one high maintenance dog to permit us to be away from our apartment for 4 very short days - not to mention it's daylight savings time and we lose a whole 60 minutes to nothingness (completely unfair and litigious).

5. Freak out for approximately 24-72 hours about our plane going down en route.

6. Streamline books to take for pleasure reading: HA. That's a good one!

7. Coordinate pick up and drop off of earlier mentioned high maintenance dog, then over analyze the effects of leaving him for 4 days on his non-existent psyche.

8. Consume any perishable food items from frig and cabinets - check.

9. Water plants - shit I always forget to do that on a regular basis - thereby making me feel really guilty about leaving them for several days without the option of having me water them.

10. Make lots of lists.

Though every trip home is always much anticipated and way too short, I will not have nostalgia for these packing, unpacking, and repacking trips once we are permanently relocated in O to the izz-O.

Witness: The Family (Insert Jaws theme here).

Obliviously

It's Thursday, March 5th. Know what that means?

Time to change blog colors, clearly. Where've you been?

Out with the old, in with the new, I say.

Especially when it comes to 3 things: bananas, underwear, and tequila.

Run 2 of Random Facts About Me

1. When I was 9 I told everyone my name was "Mrs. Wilson". (?)

2. I went to Buckeye Girl's State in high school. I have no idea what we did there. But we did order a pizza that never got delivered.

3. I play the bagpipes. In my throat.

4. I once stalked my volleyball coach for an entire year.

5. My favorite food group is alcohol. It's also my favorite season and sport.

6. I can play Enter Sandman on the trombone.

7. My most embarrassing moment was in the 6th grade, I fell off the gym stage in front of the entire school. Oddly enough - no alcohol was involved. I can still feel my foot getting caught in the foam matting which caused the fall to end all falls.

8. The first time I shaved my legs was also in the 6th grade and I almost bled out in the tub. But I was front stage for a musical and we had to wear shorts, so like hell I was going to be the Yeti up there. Better to be covered in scabs and bandaids than hair, am I right?

9. My Great Grandmother had $8 to her name when she immigrated from Italy to Ellis Island. She was alone, unmarried, and not yet 16.

10. Juno might be my all time favorite movie.

11. Empire Records is a close second. The best things in life are free.

12. I am an intensive care nurse and yet I've never had a plant live more than a few weeks under my care. I successfully kept 4 alive for about a year and a few weeks ago they all died except the one my Grandmother gave me. I see signs of my grandparents almost every day.

13. My favorite words are aardvark and coconut. If only I had an aardvark named Coconut... [sigh].

14. I've spent a good portion of my life laughing. At everything and nothing in particular. I laugh out loud more now than I ever have in my entire life, thanks to Griffin.

15. I got a Snoopy Snow Cone machine when I was 14. Not by choice.

16. My roommate in college was hometown friends with Sam Hornish Jr. (So what, I name drop. Kiss it.)

17. My husband played for the Steeler's for 2 weeks during the 2005 season and they were the two weeks leading up to the Super Bowl. I sat in the 10th row, 30 yard line for Super Bowl XL. WTF?

18. I once found a vibrator on the ironing board of a B & B I stayed in for my friend's wedding.

19. I did a shot of Tequila with Snoop Dog. (See #17).

20. I only skipped school once in high school. It was the day before prom, we got caught, and weren't allowed to go to the dance. I married the bastard that kept me from my Junior prom. [Love you, honey!]

21. My mom accidentally cracked my head open when I was 9 months old. I have a scar between my eyes.

22. My sister has quintuplets. No, she does not look like Angelina Jolie.

23. I used to throw tea parties for my dolls using plastic shot glasses. Now #5 makes sense, doesn't it?

24. I was both my high school and college senior class president. Running on a platform of "Why the hell not?"

25. My left eyebrow is slightly higher than my right one. In response, I buy crooked sunglasses.



Your turn, hit me with some randoms.

Glass Houses Etc.

Let me just weigh in on the discussion of two newsreel items all up in my face and all of your faces if you're watching the national news right now. (This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I have raging PMS hormones right now).

1. If you find yourself making negative internal or vocal judgements about Natalie Sulemon I would really, really love to meet you in person because you must be the most perfect mother in the world and I'd like to pick your brain about a few things like "How the hell do you master this crazy unmeasurable vocation that changes constantly and demands more of yourself than anything in the universe?"

2. There are way too many abandoned children in the f-ed up foster system for people to be raising Chimpanzees as humans. Belly up to the bar and make a difference in a child's life* rather than fulfill some kind of weird need to receive unconditional love from something other than a cat or dog.

*Disclosure statement: Yes, I realize not everyone's capable nor should they accept the huge responsibility of raising a child if they are not ready or willing to do so. However, there are other ways to help if you are able and God knows there is plenty of need, especially right now.

**Okay, I'll be nice now.

Introducing Her Majesty:

Lindsey Marie.

Five full pounds of beauty and energy.

And if you don't want to eat her in this picture, I don't know what planet you're from.I can't believe I have to wait two more weeks to see her.
I'm like an ADD fourth grader waiting for recess over here.

Or, We Could Be The Paparazzi

Me: Do you think we'll be invited to Pete and Ariel's wedding? I really hope so.

Him: I didn't know they were engaged.

Me: They're not, but it's inevitable. Are we close enough to get the invite?

Him: I don't know. Doubt it.

Me: Well then, we have some serious ass kissing to do, now don't we? Get to it.

Doing My Part

Things are happening. At an alarmingly fast pace. No time to sit, think, pee, blog. The baby - he is insatiable these days. Apparently, I no longer think in complete sentences. Just realized this. Crap.

But seriously, it's important that we, you and I, don't lose our "alone time" just because I had a baby. I mean, we need to spend time on this relationship to make it work. So, I've put the baby down, he's amusing himself at the moment (which - sidebar - now includes him playing with himself "down there" - which is scary to me because I thought maybe we had a year or 11 to wait before that happened, apparently not. Something else that would have been useful to read in "What to expect..." - thanks for that), and I can devote my full attention to you and your needs.

Enough about you, let's talk about me.

What is it about this economy crisis that just gets me spend-happy? Take for instance last Friday. My friend Meghan and I decided to jump in the car and head to the Woodbury Commons outlets up here in no man's land, aka the Bronx, (and why do people say "the" Bronx instead of "Bronx"? I mean, you don't say, "I live in The Manhattan or The Brooklyn" do you? Case in point, number 435 reason why I "dislike" THE Bronx). I then proceed to flip the f--- out and buy over $200 worth of baby clothes for the Incredible Growing Baby, because have you seen the pictures? He's already 4 feet tall. Apparently someone's been slipping Miracle Grow into his food. (Just kidding you sicko - that would be extremely harmful albeit it makes a good joke).

So here I am without a job, married to a husband without a job, living with a baby without a job, taking care of a dog without a job - who I might add is dangerously close to being without a home if he keeps taking up residence between my feet as I walk around the house, in an economy that is in the shitter. Please, Mr. and Mrs. Joe Q. Public, take a lesson from me, everything's absolutely fine! Go out and spend money you don't have! It's great fun.

[Death gasp.]

My OB-Gyn, The Miracle Worker

I feel it is my sworn duty as the educator to the childless masses to inform you of a delightful new development in our lives as of late. Remember how I told you about this back in November? Well! Friends. Don't go out and get your tubes tied just yet. There is progress on the V-jay jay front.

After consultation with my doctor which went something like this, "PLEASE, please, please, pretty, pretty please, f-ing are you kidding me, I want to die, do something before I light myself on fire to help me, please" she took mercy and wrote me a little prescription for estrogen which completely changed the ballgame. Thank the good lord almighty and then some. Give that woman a raise.

So no worries that after you birth a child you'll never have sex again, because you will. And it will be great. Well, I can't vouch for the great part because I don't know what kind of sex you're having to begin with, but hopefully its good? That's a hypothetical there, you don't have to tell me how your sex is, actually never tell me how your sex is, ok? We're just going to say yes, we have it and it's just fine, got that? Whew. Got a little nervous there for a sec that you might comment and tell me about your bedroom exploits and jeez how I don't need to read about that tomorrow morning.

Alright, what else do I need to tell you about? Oh yes. My sister had her baby! Her name is Lindsey and she is a-dor-a-ble so much that I need to eat her and contemplate doing just that on a daily basis. Pictures are forthcoming, she was born last Friday the 6th at 5 pounds and she has tons of brown beautiful hair. Gina and baby are doing very well and are at home enjoying some R & R. So the circle of life spins once more for our family and now there are 14 grandchildren for my parents: Gabriella, Ben, Grace, Mary Kate, Emma, Alex, Julia, Anna, Rebecca, Logan, Joey, Griffin, Aedan, and now Lindsey. I cannot believe how wonderful they make my life and how much I miss living in Columbus just so I can see them grow every day and listen to them spout off the philosophy of 9, 8, 6 and 4 year olds.

Happy late Valentine's to you all!

Discovery: Daucus Carota

Me? I'm not all that into cooked vegetables as a side dish. They're kind of smushy and taste very bland. All in all, they don't contain the staples which make every food enjoyable: fat and cheese. However, the young one doesn't know this yet. He's been diving into carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, even prunes. I know he's mine because he came out of "down there", but I'd otherwise doubt it because me and peas? Nada and niente.

Witness: The discovery of carrots...
Caption: (Spoken with a British accent, because I don't know why - I'm the author that's why.) "I'm not entirely sure what you are trying to pull here. This does not taste like milk. This whole ordeal is entirely too messy. Remember the good old days when you just hooked me up to the boob and called it a day? But in the spirit of the new year, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and try one more bite".

Caption 2: "Wait one bloody second (See? I told you he's British), an exciting turn of events has occurred. What I dost think, I no longer thinketh about our little orange root vegetable. Let me assess the situation again, Milady".
Caption 3: "By God, I think I like these carrots. Mom. Carrots! Have you had these things?! They're fantastic. Whoever invented them should be promoted and given a big hug".
Final Caption: "Mom. Mo-o-o-om. Carrots. I love them. I want to go there".

And so ends another day of table food success. He's an animal at the dinner table. And yet, he is my son, so did you expect anything to the contrary? Other than the fact that he's contrary? Because that also means unequivocally that he's flesh of my flesh.

Blagojevich Was Their Web Designer

"The ankle bone's connected to the shin bone, the shin bone's connected to the knee bone, the knee bone's... (Error: The knee bone is no longer connected to anything because the owner of said knee bone doesn't know how to ski and therefore lost the connection of knee to rest of leg). The end!"

Take home message: Get to ski lodge early to secure snowboard before they run out so you don't wind up on ski's that you don't know how to use. Thereby paying millions (okay, tens) of dollars in medical bills to fix your dumb broken knee cap.

By the by* and all kidding aside, skiing is not so bad. I may have to retract my earlier statements about skiing, skiers, those amongst the ski and so forth.

Upcoming will be pics of the ski lodge we stayed at while at Hunter Mountain because I would be selfish to keep them to myself when truly, you need to see the majesty that is the Friar Tuck Resort and Spa for yourself. And we, the management, use the term "Resort and Spa" so loosely we're practically impeachable.

*Don't know what the hell this means but felt like exercising my poetic license this Friday am.