Me, the Lesbian, and Oprah

One of my first S.A.H.M. (Stay At Home Mom or Saucy And Hot Minx) realizations was how quiet and eerie it is to be home alone all day while everyone else is at work. I am, by nature and upbringing, used to continual chaos (have I told you about my 6 siblings, 4 in-laws, and 12 nieces and nephews?). Solitude and I are occasional friends, especially during cold winter evenings when you may find me nestled in the bosom of a bottle of red wine and a chocolate bar, but I prefer Chaos' mind-numbing company the majority of the time. Plus, I rarely afford myself a glass of wine these days what with the whole lactation dog and pony show. Therefore, the stark contrast between the first two weeks of SAHM-ness when my parents were staying in the next room, my husband was home every day, and my phone rang off the hook with friends and family constantly calling to check in versus the following 11 weeks of virtual house arrest was quite unsettling in a "Red Rum" sort of way.


As a means to holding tight to what sanity I have left, I decided early on that I would make it seem as if I had friends visiting the apartment every day... Via my television.


My first bestie arrived at 3pm Eastern time on NBC - hello Ellen. I literally laughed out loud during the entire first episode I watched and several times had to stop myself from answering her when she asked a rhetorical question to the audience. That was the most normal 50 minutes I'd had on a weekday in 3 weeks. After swiftly adding her show to my TiVo, I figured why stop there? There is a whole world of television entertainers out there just begging to be let into my inner circle, who am I to deny them?

The next addition to my cable friend list was the big O. I haven't ever had the chance or inclination to watch her show on a regular basis, but recently I've been very intrigued by her show topics. Mainly because I heart one of her co-producers (Mega) who is a good and dear friend of mine from college. Also, I sort of want to be Meghan, so I live vicariously through her exciting professional life and sort of pretend her work stories are my work stories. Feel free to let me know how weird that is. Now I know there are 3, possibly 4.5, loyal readers of this website who will be shocked to learn I may never make it as big as Oprah, but don't get your thongs in a bunch over it. I'm still prepared for the call from NBC, CBS, hell even TWC to begin talks of my own talkshow. I just refuse to sit by my phone waiting for those windbags to see real talent when it writes itself a blog. For now, I'll learn from the master, O-Town herself.

[Irritating events have occurred, in the form of my internet connection breaking yesterday and losing the entire rest of my post as well as my editing of the above material. I feel this has happened for a reason and therefore I will use it as a learning experience and not throw this piece o-shit laptop through the window to smash on the street 3 stories below my apartment right now.]

(Deep breath).

Anyway, Grant has vetoed me bombarding him with stories of my "friends" as soon as he comes through the door at the end of the day now. I know he's just jealous that I have famous friends and he does not, so I will humor him and refrain from rubbing it in his face. For now, I'll keep my Lesbian and my Oprah and occasionally my Martha and My Giada to myself, but it's gettin' kind of crowded in here, so if you want a seat you better call ahead.