Monday, July 7, 2008

It's Hip to be Regular

Let's talk Fiber, shall we?

My First-scratch that-Second Congressional Petition: Fiber is wonderful and should be one of the four food groups. Or at least get it's own tier on the food pyramid.

My actual First Congressional Petition was against that insanely unconstitutional law wherein ex-military cannot sue the government for medical malpractice. You should petition against that too. It's insane. But let's not wallow around in our dirty political underwear right now, it will get us all riled up.

Anyhow, Fiber is not only a girl's best friend, it is a pregnant girl's orgasm. Who's with me here? Here's how the scenario plays out, for those non-believers, men, or women not yet of childbearing insanity yet: you want to get prego or get prego and your first step to becoming a parent is to take prenatal vitamins. Yeah Prenatal Vitamins! I am bearing a child! And I am going to take the hell out of my prenatal vitamins. I am going to be the best damn prenatal vitamin taking woman you have ever seen!

4 days later you realize you haven't emptied your colon in way way way too long. 4 more days later you realize you better start making funeral arrangements because God knows you wouldn't let your husband pick out his own socks let alone the box you'll be residing in for the next 4 thousand years. Finally, some blessed soul mentions you might want to try upping your fiber intake to get the ball rolling. Bless you, Colon Angel. No one tells you that the outrageously large amount of iron in those prenatals will stop even the most active digestive systems in their peristalsis tracks.

So you go to the store and buy everything you can find with the word Fiber on it. Fiber cereal, fiber bars, fiber brownies, fiber jello, fiber drinks, it could say Fiber Fiber and you'd buy 8 of them. Let me highlight the best choices for masking fiber into your daily diet without sacrificing taste or sending yourself into a fiber-induced coma. Fiber One bars are sex in an individually wrapped package. My fav is the Oats and Chocolate flavor, but the carmel one isn't that bad either. Wait, I should mention that 2 bars should never be consumed in the same day. Enormous proportions of gas are created and I cannot be responsible for you losing your job or your significant other leaving you due to the overproduction of said gas.

Cereal has two parts: Go Lean Crunch Original Kashi cereal is part one. They're all yu-u-ummy and if you throw a few blueberries on there in the morning, your stomach will thank you. All Bran is part two. Alone it is annoying and tasteless, but combined with the flavor power of Kashi, it is amazing. Apples and apple juice should be consumed every day. They are a bonus because though they aid in your digestion speed, they don't give you as much gas as fiber containing veggies. Whole wheat breads and crackers aid well in assisting but should not be used as your primary source of colon cleansing.

Things to avoid: now this is a toughy because I am a certified card-carrying cheesehog but you should limit your cheese intake to a little tiny bit a day or regular amount every other day or every three days. Cheese is fiber's sworn enemy and you don't want your lower abdomen to be their battleground for 5 days in a row. No siree. Been there and never going back.

I hope this helps you on your quest to be regular. Go forth and be merry with the knowledge that your colon is a happy colon.

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