Dear Elbow Lady on the A Express Train This Morning,
I understand that you may have had a rough morning. I, myself, have had many, many, many rough mornings since taking up residence in this Great and Holy city. However, never have I thought it appropriate to stab someone on my morning commute with not one, but both of my elbows in a flurry of skin and bone. But you, Elbow Lady, were not willing to overlook one more subway personal space slight on July 17th, 2007. Oh no, you looked me straight in the eye, after I unknowingly and innocently brushed your arm with my work bag, and gutted me with your elbows while attempting with all your might to make me shrivel up and die from your glare.
Don't get me wrong, in some ways I value your personal space and politeness stance. There have been times when I too have felt the need to strike out at all that is unfair in this world by attacking the person blocking my way to the exit doors. That being said, I have to ask you, Elbow Lady, what if we all decided to wreak havoc with our body parts on unsuspecting passengers in mass transit systems all across the world every morning? Think of the horror. Add to that the overall stench that is ingrained so deep into the bowels of this city that my nasal passages are forever scarred and may never smell the sweetness of a fresh baked cookie ever again, and you tell me we need more violence in our subways. Well? WELL!
Therefore, as my part, I will overlook today's unfortunate experience. But so help me Lord, Elbows, if I ever see you again on any form of public transportation, and if when I see you, you commit some itsy, bitsy impoliteness to anyone around you, trust that I will fly at you like furious vengeance until you beg for mercy from a crumpled heap underneath my feet. This is only fair, and the karma fairies have taken notice this day. So be ye forewarned, I have your number and I'm not afraid to use it.
E.A.S. (Elbow Attack Survivor)