Damn, Damn, Damn

I've strategically cleared my entire lunch hour (read: 10 minutes) for writing today's post and I left the damn magazine article at home. (!)

Well, there's no use crying over spilled milk, unless it's red wine and then break out the kleenex this is going to make history. So I'll try to use my memory to recall what I wanted to tell you (I know right? Scar-ey).

So I don't know if you get the magazine Parents but I do somehow and occasionally I get the chance to read it and often find some useful crap in there. Crap I wish I'd known before I did it the wrong way 18 times, but useful none the less. This month's useful crap was an article on Sleep Habits of babies and toddlers. I found the first two pages hugely vindicating sprinkled with a tip or two* I am currently trying out on the baby (or the one who runs our household now). How-to-the-ev-er. Smack dab in the center of this useful article was a quote from a doctor somewhere where it must be opposite day every F-ing day or something because this is what he said, paraphrased, "If your baby falls asleep while nursing, wake him up to a full alert state before laying him down so he will learn to put himself back to sleep".

.........................What In The Sam Hell Are You Talking About?

Let me put it this way, Doc, if you actually think any woman in her right mind would wake that sleeping baby up only to lay it down again, I want some of whatever drug you are on. Pronto. Also? What is your address because I need to know where to drop my kid off tonight so you can babysit him overnight, for the next 400 nights. And can I have your wife's cell number because I need to apologize to her for all of those nights she was up taking care of your children by herself. Poor woman (for several reasons).

Note to Parent's Senior Editor: No more Crazy Doctor consults. We're all set filling up on our own crazy for the year, thank you very much.

*The first thing I'm trying is to put him to bed as early as possible in the evenings, like 6:15pm last night, in an effort to get him more "good sleep" under the assumption that he will sleep later in the mornings** and not get up in the middle of the night screaming for his binky (or 'dinkdee!!!' as he calls it).

**Hmmmm. Would 5:15am constitute "later in the mornings"? Me thinks NO.

*2 The second thing I'm trying is a nightly massage before bed. The first night he looked at me like I had lost my mind and was trying to kill him via skin removal. The second night he went straight to OH MY GOD WOMAN I'M ABOUT TO DIE.

Beginning to think of retracting my earlier statement re: useful tips.